The art of having difficult conversations – part 2

Welcome Learning Leaders. We are exploring the topic and art of having difficult conversations. In the previous post, we covered the preparation to a conversation that may not be the most straightforward.

Here, let’s explore how to carry out such a conversation. In part 3, we will go through what happens and should happen after such an event.

The Conversation

Let’s start with the most important aspect of your meeting – it’s a conversation. It needs to be a conversation. If it is anything different, I’d suggest pausing and considering meeting again.

What does it mean when it comes to having a difficult conversation? The same rules apply as with any other chat : you listen, you speak, the other person listens and speaks, or you or them respond.

What’s the catch? During difficult conversations emotions will run high. Either you or the other person may explode, say something unpleasant, or going to other extreme and be quiet altogether.

So, let’s break down the content of a difficult conversation. Let’s see how to begin, when to stop, and how to end such an event.

“Thank you for meeting me”

As we explained in the part 1, find a quiet space that allows for a confidential conversation.

• Start by explaining why you are meeting with the person. Be clear. You can use phrases such as: “I wanted to go over the situation that happened [the date/day]”; “I noticed a certain pattern recently and I would like to explore it with you”; “I need to address a certain behaviour with you”.

Do not start your meeting with anything similar to “Why do you think we are meeting?” or “Venture a guess what I want to speak about?”. It will immediately put the other person on defensive and in an anxious quiz-like state. Don’t do it.

One of my favourite phrases to use in such situations is this one:

I may get some things not quite right in this chat, so please bear with me – I’ll be grateful for your patience.

It shows the person you’re speaking with that you are here as equal.

• Next, outline what you’d like to achieve with the conversation. If you’ve done your preparation right, you’ll have this documented and worded in a clear and factual way.

Phrases that can be helpful: “What I’d like to achieve is a way forward from the current circumstances, and I need your help to make it happen”; “What I’d like to achieve at the end of this chat is a better understanding how we can avoid the situation that has happened”; “I’m keen for us to establish ways of handling similar situations in the future”.

Always ask the other person what they would like to achieve with the conversation – or if they are in agreement with you.

Always check if you are ok to proceed.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

“I’m keen to hear your side of the story”

After you’ve established what you are both wanting to achieve with the conversation, the next step depends on what you’re addressing.

If it’s a situation that happened recently, a good next step is to ask the person to share their side of the story. This also gives the person an opportunity to reflect on the situation themselves.

If it’s a pattern or a behaviour you’ve noticed, outline what your observations are. Be factual. Avoid ‘someone said’ – you’re risking shutting off the conversation with just one statement like that.

No matter what the reason for your conversation is, here are key principles I encourage you to follow:

• Listen. Listen. And again listen. We talked about active listening as one of the key skills of a good leader in one of the previous posts. Active listening is where you show you are both part of the conversation, and solution.
• Don’t rush. Having a difficult conversation requires patience and time.
• Include encouraging phrases: “Tell me more”; “I’m listening – please continue”.
• Don’t steer the conversation to go only one way. Be prepared that you may learn facts that you didn’t know about before, and this may force you to change the focus of the chat entirely.
• Make notes. There is a fine balance to paying attention and making notes. Note down key statements or words.
• Be present. Show that you are paying attention. Don’t look at your phone, your laptop, your watch…

When emotions run high during a difficult conversation

We all would love for all conversations to be pleasant and calm. That may not be the case when you’re having a difficult conversation.

What to do when emotions are running high, and you can see the person is getting anxious, angry or irritated? Or you’re starting to feel you’re experiencing these emotions?

Pause. Always. Give the conversation a few seconds of space. Take a deep breath.

Afterwards, check with the person how to proceed. Useful phrases to use here are: “I can see that this conversation is making you uncomfortable – would you like to stop or shall we carry on?”; “I appreciate it is difficult to talk about [the situation/behaviour/ etc.] – we can stop now and resume tomorrow”; “I’m sorry I need a couple of seconds to regain my thoughts – grateful for your patience”.

The rule is that for a conversation to achieve its aim – that you’ve established at the start of it – it needs to be constructive and moving forward. And this is best achieved when you and your interlocutor(s) are calm and thinking straight.

If this is not the case at any point of your difficult conversation, the next best thing may be to pause it and resume it later. The later may be after 15mins, or the following day. Don’t wait too long!

Photo by Madeleine Kohler on Unsplash

“Thank you for having this conversation with me”

There will be a moment when the conversation will need to come to a close. This will be because you have run out of time, or you’ve gone through the points that you wanted to cover.

Finish the conversation with reviewing if you both have achieved with it what you wanted to achieve. If not, explore why this is the case. It may mean that the conversation has brought new facts to light and the original aim needed to change. Or this maybe because you’ve moved away from the original aim, and this calls for a follow up conversation.

Lastly, explain that you will document the conversation. That’s why you’ve made notes. Once you’ve documented the key aspects of the chat, you will share them with the person you’ve spoken with. Depending on the situation, you may need to share the notes with another person such as a HR representative. Always make it clear that such an action will happen.

Always thank the person for their time and honesty. Spend a few seconds reflecting on the conversation. This creates a good closure of the conversation.

---

Having difficult conversations is an inevitable part of being a leader. You get better at them by not avoiding having a difficult conversation – and going into the storm with good preparation and confidence. I hope the suggestions in this post have helped you, and I’m keen to hear how you would approach having difficult conversation. Let me know in the comments!

Feature image by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash