“What if I’m not good enough” – how to deal with self-doubt

Everyone goes through moments of self-doubt. Everyone – even the likes of Michelle Obama. Nothing wrong with that. How you deal with them is key for your sanity and confidence.

A dose of self-doubt is healthy

Firstly, if you find yourself thinking “I’m not good enough”, this is actually a healthy symptom. Why? Because people who consider themselves flawless or walking perfections won’t notice that there is something to work on or improve. So give yourself a pat on the pack.

Secondly, how you deal with such moments depends to a degree on what triggered this thinking. Is it because someone threw a comment that questioned your competence? Or because a project or task that you were responsible for didn’t go as planned? Or maybe you got a piece of formal feedback that planted the self-doubt?

As long as the thoughts of self-doubt don’t engulf you every day, that’s good. And if this is indeed happening, please speak with someone you trust or a coach to receive a more sustainable support.

Lastly, we need to acknowledge that self-doubt feels different depending if you are at the start of your leadership journey or an experienced leader.

Bottom line – if you are having such thoughts, allow yourself a moment or two of any emotions the self-doubt has tirggered. And then let’s do what a learning leader should do – act on it.

Self-doubt leads to self-assessment

I’ll share with you what I’ve learned through the past years and lots of moments of self-doubt. I need to say that I am not a trained psychologist, and sometimes help from one is necessary (please go and ask for it if you need some help from a professional coach etc.).

What’s my North Star standards and values?

Whenever I am faced with “What if I’m not good enough” doubts, I ask myself one specific question: have I compromised my standards or values and this is why I am having these doubts? If I haven’t, then I know the problem is likely to be elsewhere. And quite possibly, the problem is not my performance, skills, or actions.

If I have gone against my standards or values, the more important question is why I chose to do that. And in this case I need to have a completely different conversation with myself.

Let’s consider the 3 scenarios I mentioned earlier.

A throw-away comment made me doubt yourself

Such comments may catch me by surprise, and may end up hurting more than any other comment. I’ve learned to remind myself if the person who made the comment is someone whose opinion I value. If not, I let it go. Acknowledge it and move on. People often project their own insecurities or doubts, and their statements may have nothing to do with you.

If the comment was made by someone who I would ask for feedback, I consider asking them for more information apart from the one comment they made. While this may not be a pleasant conversation, it may shed some light that might be useful.

A project or assignment I’ve led or contributed to didn’t go as planned

To deliver a project or assignment succesfully, many people and actions need to be aligned well enough to achieve that. Therefore, the assessment of self-doubt needs to start with a review of my own actions.

For example, I would review if I’ve given my team clear enough instructions of what was required, by when and to what standards. Was I specific in my expectations? Did the team have enough options to ask for clarifications? Did I plan well enough?

If the answer is Yes, then I know I’ve done my job as best as possible, and there were other factors that affected the project’s results. If the answer to any of the questions is No, then I make a note what to fix and pay more attention to going forward.

A formal feedback makes me doubt my skills, performance etc.

Admittedly, this is one of the most unpleasant moments in a professional life, especially if the feedback comes as a surprise. Key things to remember:

• did the feedback include specific examples or was it generic? If it lacked examples, I ask for them. Otherwise I don’t know which situations showed that I have / had a gap in my skills or knowledge. Then I ask for guidance on how to fix the skills or knowledge gap.
• did the feedback focus on my personality rather than my professional actions or skills? If it did, then this requires a different conversation entirely. (Fun fact (!): women are critiqued more often on their personalities than their skills)
• was this feedback about something that happened months ago or something recent? If it referred to something old, firstly this is poor management by the person who is giving you this kind of a formal feedback. Secondly, I politely acknowledge it and move on. A piece of feedback about something recent allows for a conversation that leads to tangible changes, and this is where I would steer the conversation to. I would ask the person providing feedback to work with me on a solution going forward.

Sometimes people think that they need to provide you with feedback no matter what, and without considering the consequences of it. I always acknowledge it, but just because they have shared their opinion doesn’t mean I need to act on it. If in doubt, chat with someone you trust in your team about the feedback you’ve received, and then make a decision what to do with the information. Ultimately, aim at having clarity of your next step following a moment of self-doubt. And this may be Do Nothing

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There is nothing wrong with having self-doubt thoughts. Many people experience them, and if they occur in healthy – small – doses, they show that you check your performance against a set of standards you follow or a person you aspire to be. Having a conversation about your self-doubt shows that you demonstrate self-awareness and healthy judgment – key leadership skills. And if you act on your findings from the self-doubt moment, you’re doing the next best thing – you keep learning. And that is great.

How do you deal with self-doubt? What would you suggest to a person learning to be a leader and facing self-doubt? Looking forward to your comments!

Feature image credit: Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash